The Seven Words You Can Never Say On Tv
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I love words. I thank you for hearing my words.
I want to tell you something about words that I think isimportant.
They're my work, they're my play, they're my passion.
Words are all we have, really. We have thoughts but thoughts arefluid.
then we assign a word to a thought and we're stuck with that wordfor
that thought, so be careful with words. I like to think that thesame
words that hurt can heal, it is a matter of how you pick them.
There are some people that are not into all the words.
There are some that would have you not use certain words.
There are 400,000 words in the English language and there are 7
of them you can't say on television. What a ratio that is.
399,993 to 7. They must really be bad. They'd have to beoutrageous
to be seperated from a group that large. All of you over here,you7,
Bad Words. That's what they told us they were, remember?
"That's a bad word!" No bad words, bad thoughts, badintentions,
and words. You know the 7, don't you, that you can't say ontelevision?
"Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, CockSucker, MotherFucker, and Tits"
Those are the heavy seven. Those are the ones that'll infect yoursoul,
curve your spine, and keep the country from winning the war.
"Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, CockSucker, MotherFucker, and Tits"
Wow! ...and Tits doesn't even belong on the list. That is such afriendly
sounding word. It sounds like a nickname, right? "Hey, Tits, comehere,
man. Hey Tits, meet Toots. Toots, Tits. Tits, Toots." It soundslike a
snack, doesn't it? Yes, I know, it is a snack. I don't mean yoursexist
snack. I mean New Nabisco Tits!, and new Cheese Tits, CornTits,
Pizza Tits, Sesame Tits, Onion Tits, Tater Tits. "Betcha Can'tEat Just
One." That's true. I usually switch off. But I mean, that worddoes
not belong on the list. Actually none of the words belong on thelist,
but you can understand why some of them are there. I'm not
completely insensetive to people's feelings. I can understandwhy
some of those words got on the list, like CockSucker and
MotherFucker. Those are heavyweight words. There is a lot goingon
there. Besides the literal translation and the emotionalfeeling.
I mean, they're just busy words. There's a lot of syllables tocontend
with. And those Ks, those are agressive sounds. They just jumpout at
you like "coCKsuCKer, motherfuCKer. coCKsuCKer, motherfuCKer."
It's like an assualt on you. We mentioned Shit earlier, and 2 ofthe
other 4-letter Anglo-Saxon words are Piss and Cunt, which go
together of course. A little accedental humor there. The reasonthat
Piss and Cunt are on the list is because a long time ago, therewere
certain ladies that said "Those are the 2 I am not going to say.I
don't mind Fuck and Shit but 'P' and 'C' are out.", which led tosuch
stupid sentences as "Okay you fuckers, I'm going to tincklenow."
And, of course, the word Fuck. I don't really, well that's more
accedental humor, I don't wanna get into that now because Ithink
it takes to long. But I do mean that. I think the word Fuck is avery
imprortant word. It is the beginning of life, yet it is a word weuse to
hurt one another quite often. People much wiser than I am said,
"I'd rather have my son watch a film with 2 people making love
than 2 people trying to kill one another. I, of course, canagree. It is
a great sentence. I wish I knew who said it first. I agree withthat but
I like to take it a step further. I'd like to substitute the wordFuck for
the word Kill in all of those movie cliches we grew up with."Okay,
Sherrif, we're gonna Fuck you now, but we're gonna Fuck youslow."
So maybe next year I'll have a whole fuckin' ramp on the Nword.
I hope so. Those are the 7 you can never say on television, underany
circumstanses. You just cannot say them ever ever ever. Noteven
clinically. You cannot weave them in on the panel with Doc, andEd,
and Johnny. I mean, it is just impossible. Forget tHose 7.They're out.
But there are some 2-way words, those double-meaning words.
Remember the ones you giggled at in sixth grade? "...And thecock
CROWED 3 times" "Hey, tha cock CROWED 3 times. ha ha ha ha. Hey,it's in
the bible. ha ha ha ha. There are some 2-way words, like it isokay for
Kirk Youdi to say "Roberto Clametti has 2 balls on him.", but hecan't
say "I think he hurt his balls on that play, Tony. Don't you?He's holding
them. He must've hurt them, by God." and the other 2-way wordthat
goes with that one is Prik. It's okay if it happens to yourfinger. You
can prik your finger but don't finger your prik. No,no.
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