The Ad-dressing Of Cats
(Andrew Lloyd Webber)
You've heard of several kinds of cat
And my opinion now is that
You should need no interpreter
To understand our character
You've learned enough to take the view
That cats are very much like you
You've seen us both at work and games
And learnt about our proper names
Our habits and our habitat
But how would you ad-dress a cat?
So first, your memory I'll jog
And say: A cat is not a dog
Now dogs pretend they like to fight
They often bark, more seldom bite
But yet a dog is, on the whole
What you would call a simple soul
The usual dog about the town
Is much inclined to play the clown
And far from showing too much pride
Is frequently undignified
He's such an easygoing lout
He'll answer any hail or shout
The usual dog about the town
Is inclined to play the clown
Again I must remind you that
A dog's a dog, a cat's a cat
With cats, some say one rule is true
Don't speak 'til you are spoken to
Myself I do not hold with that
I say you should ad-dress a cat
But always bear in mind that he
Resents familiarity
You bow, and taking off your hat
Ad-dress him in this form: "O' cat!"
Before a cat will condescend
To treat you as a trusted friend
Some little token of esteem
Is needed, like a dish of cream
And you might now and then supply
Some caviar, or Strassburg pie
Some potted grouse or salmon paste
He's sure to have his personal taste
And so in time you reach your aim
And call him by his name
So this is this, and that is that
And there's how you ad-dress a cat
A cat's entitled to expect
These evidences of respect
So this is this, and that is that
And there's how you ad-dress a cat
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