Medical Love Song
(Graham Chapman)
Inflammation of the foreskin
Reminds me of your smile
I've had balanital chancroids
For quite a little while
I gave my heart to NSU [Non-Specific Urethritis]
That lovely night in June
I ache for you, my darling,
And I hope you'll get well soon
My penile warts, your herpes,
My syphilitic sore,
Your monilial infection
How I miss you more and more
Your dobies itch my scrum-pox
Ah, lovely gonorrhea
At least we both were lying
When we said that we were clear
Our syphilitic kisses
Sealed the secret of our tryst
You gave me scrotal pustules
With a quick flick of your wrist
Your trichovaginitis
Sent shivers down my spine
I got snail tracks in my anus
When your spirochetes met mine
Gonococcal urethritis
Streptococcal balanitis
Meningomyelitis
Diplococcal catholitis
Epidydimitis
Interstitial keratitis
Syphilitic coronitis
And anterior ureitis.
My clapped-out genitalia
Is not so bad for me
As the complete and utter failure
Every time I try to pee
My doctor says my buboes
Are the worst he's ever seen
My scrotum's painted orange
And my balls are turning green
My heart is very tender
Though my parts are awful raw
You might have been infected
But you never were a bore
I'm dying from your love, my love
I'm your spirochætal clown
I've left my body to science
But I'm afraid they've turned it down.
Gonococcal urethritis
Streptococcal balanitis
Meningomyelitis
Diplococcal catholitis
Epidydimitis
Interstitial keratitis
Syphilitic coronitis
And anterior ureitis.
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