Please Hello
(Stephen Sondheim)
American admiral
(enters bearing documents and a plaque)
Please hello, america back,
Commodore perry send hello.
Also comes memorial plaque
President fillmore wish bestow.
Emperor read our letter? if no,
Commodore perry very sad.
Emperor like our letter? if so,
Commodore perry very merry,
President fillmore still more glad.
Last time we visit, too short.
This time we visit for slow.
Last time we come, come with warships,
Now with more ships —
Say hello!
This time request use of port,
Port for commercial intention,
Harbor with ample dimension.
Abe
But you can't —
American admiral
Only one
Little port
For a freighter.
Abe
But you can't —
American admiral
Just for fun,
Be a sport.
Abe
Maybe later —
American admiral
But we bring many recent invention:
Kerosene
And cement
And a grain
Elevator,
A machine
You can rent
Called a "train" —
Abe
— maybe later —
American admiral
— also cannon to shoot
Big loud salute,
Like so:
(explosion)
Say hello!
(explosion. abe takes pen and signs document.)
Treaty meet approval? if no,
Commodore perry very fierce.
Disregard confusion below:
President fillmore now named pierce.
Good! at last agreement is made,
Letter will let us come again.
First result of mutual trade:
Commodore getting letter letting,
Councillor getting fancy pen!
Goodbye.
(bows; abe bows back.)
Goodbye.
Abe
Goodbye.
(bows; admiral bows back.)
American admiral
Goodbye.
Abe
Goodbye.
American admiral
Please goodbye.
(bows; abe bows back.)
British admiral
(appearing suddenly)
Hello!
American admiral
(to abe)
Goodbye.
(bows; the british admiral bows in greeting; abe is confused, bows halfway between them.)
British admiral
Hello, please!
American admiral
Goodbye.
(all three bow again.)
British admiral
Please
Hello, i come with letters from her majesty victoria
Who, learning how you're trading now, sang "hallelujah, gloria!"
And sent me to convey to you her positive euphoria
As well as little gifts from britain's various emporia.
(offers a tin of tea to abe)
Abe
Tea?
British admiral
For drink.
Abe
I see.
I thank you
British admiral
I think
Her letters do contain a few proposals to your emperor
Which if, of course, he won't endorse, will put in her in a temper or,
More happily, should he agree, will serve to keep her placid, or
At least till i am followed by a permanent ambassador.
Reciter
A treaty port and, from the court, a permanent ambassador.
A treaty port and, from the court, a permanent ambassador.
A treaty port and, from the court, a permanent ambassador
And more.
British admiral
Her majesty considers the arrangements to be tentative
Until we ship a proper diplomatic representative.
We don't foresee that you will be the least bit argumentative,
So please ignore the man-of-war we brought as a preventative.
(explosion)
Reciter
Yes, please ignore the man-of-war
That's anchored rather near the shore,
It's nothing but a metaphor
That acts as a preventative.
(explosion)
British admiral
All clear?
Just so.
Sign here.
American admiral
Hello, hello, objection resent!
President pierce say "moment's pause."
British get ambassador sent,
President pierce get extra clause.
Dutch admiral
(appearing suddenly)
Wait! please hello!
Don't forget the dutch!
Like to keep in touch!
Thank you very much!
Tell them to go,
Button up the lips.
What do little nips
Want with battleships?
Hold everything!
We gonna bring
Chocolate!
Wouldn' you like to lease
A beautiful little piece
Of chocolate?
Listen, that's not to mention
Wonderful — pay attention! —
Windmills
Und tulips,
(gives abe a tulip)
Und wouldn' you like a wooden shoe?
(gives abe documents)
There — can you read?
Good! we will need
Two ports,
One of them not to rocky
How about nagasaki?
Two ports,
One of them for the cocoa
What do you call it? — yoko
Hama! ja!
Und nagasaki! ja!
Sign here!
(dances, making semaphore signals to the sea. another explosion.)
American admiral
Wait please, objection again!
Dutch getting to many seaports.
President now wanting three ports
British admiral
Great britain wishes her position clear and indisputable:
We're not amused at being used and therefore stand immutable.
And though you japs are foxy chaps and damnably inscrutable —
Russian admiral
(appearing suddenly)
Please hello …
Dutch admiral
Wait please hello!
Comes the monkey wrench!
Smell that awful stench:
Probably the french.
American admiral
— also insist giving free ports —
British admiral
— reviewing it from where we sit, the facts are irrefutable —
Russian admiral
Please hello …
Dutch admiral
Ach, nein, of course,
My mistake, the czar.
Smell the caviar —
Leave the door ajar.
American admiral
— also want annual reports —
British admiral
— and thus, in short, a single port is patently unsuitable!
Russian admiral
Please hello,
Is bringing czar's request,
Braving snow
With letter to protest:
Since we know
You trading with the west,
You might at least
(don't touch the coat!)
Start looking east —
(thinking about it)
— or closer west —
(thinking again)
— well, farther north —
(looking around)
Are we the fourth?
I feel depressed.
(don't touch the coat!)
Coming next
Is extraterritoriality.
Noting text
Say "extraterritoriality."
You perplexed
By "extraterritoriality"?
(points)
Just noting clause
(don't touch the coat!)
Which say your laws
Do not apply
(don't touch the coat!)
When we drop by —
Not getting shot,
No matter what:
A minor scrape,
A major rape,
And we escape
(don't touch the cape!)
That's what is extraterritoriality.
Fair is fair —
You wish to vote?
What we care
You liking what we wrote?
(points to sea)
Sitting there
Is finest fleet afloat.
Observing boat?
(explosion)
Don't touch the coat.
(explosion)
Just sign the note.
British admiral
The british feel these latest dealings verge on immorality.
The element of precedent imperils our neutrality.
We're rather vexed, your giving extraterritoriality.
We must insist you offer this to every nationality!
Dutch admiral
We want the same
What the russkies claim!
Why you let them came?
Dirty rotten shame!
American admiral
U.s.a. extremely upset!
President pierce say solid "no!"
French admiral
(appearing suddenly)
'allo! —
Please 'allo!
Please 'allo!
'allo! 'allo! 'allo!
(blows them all a kiss)
I bring word, i bring word
From napoleon ze third.
'e 'ad 'eard what 'ave occured 'ere
From ze little bird!
Undeterred, we conferred,
Though we felt zat we'd been slurred
And ze verdict was he spurred
Me 'ere to bring ze word!
Would you like to know ze word
From napoleon ze third?
(shoves bundle of papers at abe)
It's détente! oui, détente!
Zat's ze only thing we want!
Just détente! oooh, détente!
No agreement could be more fair!
Signing pacts, passing acts,
Zere's no time for making warfare
When you're always busy making wiz ze
Mutual détente!
(blows another kiss)
A détente! a détente
Is ze only thing we wish!
Same as zem, except additional
Ze rights to fish!
You'll be paid, you'll be paid
And we'll 'ave ze big parade
If we somehow can persuade
You to accept our aid.
(gestures to the sea — tiny explosion)
It is not to be afraid …
(another one)
As we merely wish to trade …
(the biggest explosion yet)
A détente! oui, détente!
Zat's ze only thing we want!
Leave ze grain, leave ze train,
Put champagne among your imports!
Tell each man zat japan
Can't be bothered giving him ports
While she's in a tizzy,
Dizzy wiz ze
Mutual détente!
Abe
It is late,
And i fear —
Well, you see,
There's a famine …
Could you wait
For a year?
We'll agree to
Examine
It
French admiral
A détente! a détente!
Zat's ze only thing we want!
(everybody sings simultaneously, squabbling with each other.)
Abe
(to each in turn)
— but lat-
Er, i fear.
There's a drought
And a famine …
If you wait
For a year,
Then no doubt
We'll examine
It, but we've
Had a quake
And a flood
And a famine …
Please believe
We will take
It to stud-
Y, examine
It, but please,
If you'll wait
For a year …
There's a famine …
French admiral
Just détente! oooh, détente!
No agreement could be more fair!
Signing pacts, passing acts,
Zere's no time for making warfare.
Why discuss, make ze fuss,
Since ze west belongs to us?
And ze east we have leased for ze french administration.
If you want force in ze norce,
Zen we burn ze dutch legation.
Dutch admiral
Wait please hello!
Don't forget the dutch!
We want just as much
Fishing rights and such!
Tell them to go,
Otherwise we post
Battleships at most
Ports along the coast.
You can have the west,
We will take the rest.
British admiral
One moment, please, i think that these assure us exclusivity
For western ports and other sorts of maritime activity,
And if you mean to intervene, as is the dutch proclivity,
We'll blow you nits to little bits, with suitable festivity.
American admiral
Wait please, hello, west is ours.
Wait please, the east is the best coast.
We'll trade you two on the west coast.
Russian admiral
Please hello, no seaports on the west.
United states too near to czar,
Is tempting fates, is go too far —
(don't touch the coat!)
All the admirals
Ah, détentes! ah, détentes!
They're what everybody wants!
You should want a détente —
Makes a nation like a brother!
We'll be here every year
To protect you from each other
And to see you aren't
Signing foreign
Treaties and détentes!
Please hello! we must go,
But our intercourse will grow
Through détente, as détente
Brings complete cooperation.
By the way, we must say
We adore your little nation,
And with heavy cannon
Wish you an un-
Ending please hello!!!
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